What Can You Do If You Are Feeling Overwhelmed While Caring For Your Baby – Preventing Shaken Baby Syndrome

 

As a Childcare worker in Illinois, I am required to take a training on preventing Shaken Baby Syndrome every 3 years. I’ve taken this training many times in my career.

Caring for an infant or toddler can be a stressful and frustrating undertaking for anyone. Crying can overstimulate even the most patient person. Excessive crying is extremely frustrating. Every baby is different, and all are within varying levels of maintenance from low to high. A high-maintenance baby will naturally cry more than a lower-maintenance one. As well, adults are all different, and we vary in our ability to handle the crying of a baby.

According to the INNCRA training, crying is the number 1 trigger of the physical abuse of shaking a baby, and babies can cry for 4 or more hours a day. Shaken Baby Syndrome can also happen with older children, and anyone who has cared for a toddler knows how absolutely insane they can behave. Frustrating is an understatement.

I’ve known very few people who do not eventually become frustrated or even angry at consistent crying or crazy toddler behavior. Being aware of the stages of anger can help you recognize when you may be approaching losing control. This training lists three stages.

1.      Pre-anger – before the trigger(s) set you off.

2.      Heating up - during this stage, our ability to think clearly is lessened  

3.      Before boiling over – the few seconds before boiling over

At any of these stages, you can take steps to keep yourself from reaching your boiling point and possibly harming your child or a child you are caring for.

·         Take a break – walk away, take some deep breaths, put the baby in a safe place, and let them cry until you can calm yourself down

·         Contact your support system – sometimes just talking to someone can help, ask them to come help if you really need it

·         Utilize the help that is offered at:

o   Call the 24-hour Crying Baby Helpline - 866-243-2229

o   National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome -  (801) 447-9360

o   Erikson Institutes’ Fussy Baby Network – 888-431-2229

Before you reach this point, you may want to make yourself a “Crying Plan.” In your plan, you will want to include:

·         Three things you can do to help calm your baby

You can include reasons why they may be crying, how to meet those needs, and what things usually soothe your baby.

·         Three things you can do to calm yourself when your baby’s crying is becoming overwhelming.               

You can include calming techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, and using a support system.

·         Who can you call when you need help

Who’s in your support system?

 

Remember, anger and frustration are normal; shaking a baby and hurting a child are not.

PLEASE! Get Off Your Phones!

 

*Author note: Please click on links to find sources.

It’s a pretty well-known fact that screentime is unhealthy for young children and should be limited. Studies are even starting to show that the use of tablets in classrooms is resulting in the “dumbing down” of students, resulting in lowered reading ability. Check out this link for more information. But, is adult screentime also damaging our children’s development?

It is becoming apparent that children of every age are struggling all over the world. They are falling behind academically, and their behavior is unbelievably challenging for teachers from ages 2 on up. Teachers are struggling to teach children who are combative. It is hard to teach children who refuse to listen or follow the simplest of directions. They disrupt everyone in the room, attempt to harm other children and their teachers, and destroy a learning environment by throwing toys, chairs, or whatever they can get their hands on, simply because they were told they needed to do something they did not want to do.

Teachers everywhere have been wondering why.

Smartphones and tablets may be to blame.

I am going to set aside the children’s use of screen time. Yes, in childcare, we are seeing children as young as one year of age with their own phones. As soon as they are picked up, they are handed a device. But, for this article, I am going to talk about parents’ use of devices.

From birth, we as parents are on our phones. It’s become an addiction for even the best of us. But, what are we missing when we are scrolling while feeding our babies, scrolling while rocking them to sleep, scrolling while they play on the floor or outside? We are missing important interactions that are greatly needed for the proper development of our children. Nothing on social media is more important than our children.

Seeing the way some children are acting in the daycare I work at puts me in mind of a developmental disorder called Child Attachment Disorder. Normally seen in children who have been severely neglected or abused, Child Attachment Disorder can develop when they aren’t properly bonded with their caregiver as a baby. “Normally, babies develop a close attachment bond with their main caregiver (usually their parents) within the first months of life. If they are in a situation where they do not receive normal love and care, they cannot develop this close bond.”

It seems as though some of the behavior issues we are experiencing in preschool and elementary school are a lesser form of CAD. Here are some behaviors I have seen at the daycare I work at, which are from a list of examples from the article linked above.

·         The baby cries inconsolably.

       
The baby or child does not seem to be upset in situations where you might expect them to be upset.

·         The child does not play with toys or engage in interactive games with others.

·         The child has difficult, aggressive behavior towards other children or adults.

·         The child is very withdrawn and does not interact with other children or adults.

·         The child is anxious, fearful, or depressed.

·         The child is unable to control his/her temper or anger.

·         The child is not getting on very well at school.

·         The child is inappropriately friendly to children or adults they don't know.

·         The child may hug people they don't know, or in inappropriate situations (a doctor or teacher, for example).

·         The child has no wariness of strangers. The child may go off with somebody they don't know without checking with their parent(s) or caregiver.

Parents are ignoring their infants and children too much to feed their smartphone addictions.

Responsive, attentive parents - for children from birth to adulthood – are vital for their development. Giving what is called “Serve and Return” is critical for developing infants, and positive interactions are critical for children of all ages.

From the article linked above:

“Serve and return interactions—responsive, back-and-forth exchanges between a young child and a caring adult—play a key role in shaping brain architecture.

These interactions, much like a lively game of tennis, form a critical part of a child’s social environment and are crucial for early development.

They support development of early language and social skills that serve as a foundation for more complex, high-level cognitive abilities that form later in life.”

From Newsweek, May 5, 2025:

“A new study published in JAMA Pediatrics found that when parents use technology in the presence of their young children—a behavior researchers call "parental technology use" (PTU)—it may be harming key aspects of kids' health and development.

The meta-analysis, which combined data from 21 studies across 10 countries and included nearly 15,000 participants, revealed consistent associations between PTU and negative outcomes in children under the age of five.

These include poorer cognitive development, increased behavioral and emotional problems, weaker attachment to parents and higher screen time in children themselves.”

We teachers are begging you! GET OFF YOUR PHONES AND GIVE YOUR INFANTS AND CHILDREN ATTENTION! They desperately need you to be present so they can have healthy development and a bright and happy future!

You Are Your Babies First and Most Important Teacher

 

I wrote an article recently about how to “teach” your baby. It is important to remember that you are your child’s first and most important teacher. A role that you have to keep for their entire lives. I entitled the article “Tummy-Time and Other Teachable Moments” and while the article is about milestones for your baby’s first year and what you can do to help them reach them in my opinion tummy-time is probably the single most important one. And it is the one that seems to get neglected the most.

Why does such an important activity get neglected by parents? Because most babies absolutely HATE tummy time. Until they get used to it tummy time will bring on the most heart-wrenching cries and fat tears in the littlest baby’s eyes. No one likes to listen to their baby cry. It puts us in distress to hear them in pain. And the truth is it does cause them a bit of pain. Think about when you exercise and it’s something you’re not accustomed to. You are using muscles in a way they aren’t used to and the next day they are usually quite sore. It’s the same for babies. Tummy time forces them to use muscles that they are not used to using and it is uncomfortable.

But it is necessary and extremely important to the development of your baby. Tummy time works and builds the muscles required as the foundation for all your baby’s milestones in the first year of their life. Head control, neck strength, arm and shoulder strength, and trunk strength. All of that muscle building will lead to rolling over, sitting up, crawling, pulling up, and eventually walking.

Tummy time can start as early as a few days old with proper supervision. NEVER LEAVE A TUMMY-TIME INFANT UNSUPERVISED UNTIL THEY ARE ADEPT AT LIFTING THEIR HEAD AND ROLLING OVER. And don’t be sad when your baby protests the work, you must be strong and teach your child that sometimes they have to do things they don’t want to do to become healthy and strong! You can do it, you are a powerful and loving parent who only wants to do what is best for their child.

Check out "Tummy-time and Other Teachable Moments" on my pages, to learn more about milestones for baby's first year.

The Sphincter Law

 

It's one of those words, right? Sphincter...moist...kiddos (that one's mine.) One of those words that people hate.

I took another training this past weekend entitled "Successful Strategies for Supporting VBAC" put out by motherwelldoula.com. In it, I heard the term "Sphincter Law" for the first time. I was intrigued, how was this related to childbirth? I googled...fascinating.

To sum up, Sphincter Law dictates that sphincters, such as the cervix and vagina, are easier to coax open when the patient is relaxed, happy, and feeling safe. Thus the importance of birth doulas creating a safe and warm environment for their laboring clients to encourage quicker labor progress.

I do love learning new things, if you do check out https://prenatalyogacenter.com/the-sphincter-law-and-childbirth/

Creating a Support System for Postpartum Care

 

Postpartum support system for new parents.

You’re expecting a baby. The nursery is ready and stocked, your family is ready, the equipment (car seat, stroller etc.) is ready and waiting, the birth plan is planned and you, yourself are mentally prepared. But, do you have your support system all set up? Your support system is an important part of caring for baby once you’re home from the hospital. And figuring out who is going to be a part of that system needs to be established before birth.

Think of it as a circle of support with different rings to the circle. The inner ring is your closet ring and it would contain people you’re really close with, your partner, your parents, your best friends. Next is the almost inner ring, people you are also close to, friends, coworkers. Then your outer ring, people you are close to but may be far away geographically. These people could offer phone or online support. And last is the outer, outer ring which might consist of coworkers, your boss, your doctors. Of course, you can choose what circle you consider your doctor to be a part of.

Your inner ring, or circle are the people who will physically help you, cook you meals, help with the baby, and let you get some sleep. Your outer circle are the people who will answer questions or give advice. Of course, the inner circle will help you with that as well.

Consider me a part of your outer circle, I’m here to answer questions! Speaking of, where does a postpartum doula fall into these rings? They can go wherever you want them to. A virtual doula, such as myself gives advice and answers questions. An in person birth doula gives physical help during birth plus advice and answers. And an in person postpartum doula gives physical help after you are home plus advice and answers. You choose how much help you want and need.

No matter if you are a single parent, a couple having your first child, an established family bringing home a new member, or even if you are adopting, set yourself up with some help. Very few people have it all figured out when it comes to caring for a newborn so adding some seasoned parents to the list is a great start. Grandparents, aunts or uncles with kids, and friends with kids are a great idea. There’s nothing wrong with going to them for advice or help.

Attention Parents, ATTENTION! How young children handle positive and negative attention

     Children thrive on attention.  It’s important to give it to them often from birth on.  They learn how to do everything from the attention you give them and the attention they give back to you.  As a parent you may have noticed your child’s attempts to get your attention.  With babies under six months it’s usually done by crying.  As they grow older, as any parent can testify, it can come in many subtle and not so subtle forms. 

     If a child cannot get enough attention from you when they feel they need it, they will do things to get it.  Often with young children they will act “naughty” to get your attention.  They realize that if they are hurting they’re sibling or pet, putting themselves in danger or destroying things in your house they will definitely get your attention.  This kind of attention is called negative attention.  As a parent, you know that when your child is vying for negative attention it can be a very bad experience for the whole family.  It’s important to teach your child that seeking attention in this way is not ok. 

     There are several ways to help stop this behavior.  First, give them plenty of positive attention.  Positive attention is any attention you give them while they are being good.  Sometimes this can be hard to remember to do since, while they are being good you want to just let them be.  That’s ok, let them play independently, but pop in and praise them here and there for how nice they’re playing with their sibling, being safe, or playing with what they’re supposed to. 

     Second, ignore their negative attention seeking when it’s safe to do so.  Walk away and often they will stop what they’re doing.  Do this often and they’ll learn that it’s a waste of time to be naughty.  If they are doing something unsafe, try not to react to “loudly”.  Walk over quietly, direct them away from this behavior and give them attention if they don’t return to the destructive behavior. 

     Third, find the time to spend more quality time with your kids.  As I’ve said before, the best behaved kids are the ones that have parents that play with them, give of themselves to them and make them feel loved and worthy.  You took the time to have a family so take the time to raise them, you only have to for 18 years, and you’ll have plenty of time when they’re grown to spend on yourself.

Picking Quality Childcare for Your Child

      A great resource for parents of young children, the Quality Rating System is virtually unknown to many. QRS certification for a daycare, home daycare or school-age programs means that that center has gone above and beyond state standards for their program. The more effort they’ve put into enhancing the safety and educational quality of their center the more stars they will receive from QRS.

 

     Although it’s hard to find the data, I’ve read that at least 22 states participate in the system including Iowa, Wisconsin and Illinois. If you are interested in learning more about the program type “Quality Rating System” and your state in your favorite search engine and if your state has a program, it should pop up.

 

     In Illinois, information can be found at inccrra.org. Inccrra stands for Illinois Network of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies. Once you’ve found the website, click on the words “Quality Rating System” on the right side of the page. Then click on the “Quality Rating System” tab and pick “QRS star providers” from the drop down menu. This will provide you with a list of daycares and home daycares, and how many stars they have.

 

     Once you’ve picked a center, visit them and judge for yourself. While a star rating scale is great, nothing substitutes your best judgment for what’s best for your little one.